six tiny gold earrings

six tiny gold earrings

rounded into six glowing spheres

arranged into three rows

sorted into three pairs

refined into sixteen carats

packed into one white box

matching her white teeth that smiled when she opened it.

 

they said

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

six tiny gold earrings

blinking in the light

like she did on her first day away from home

in a strange bed

in a strange room

in a strange place

but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love

 

six tiny gold earrings

six miniature representations

of the world she left behind

full of people who loved her

so she remembered their love

every time she wore them.

 

her step was that much lighter

her pace was that much tighter

her uniform was that much brighter

whenever she wore those tiny gold earrings.

 

even when she fucked in those

tiny gold earrings

she commanded attention

because they knew she came from a father

who loved his baby enough to send along

six tiny gold earrings.

even when she drank in those

tiny gold earrings

she received pardon

because they knew she came from a family

who cared about her dignity enough to send along

six tiny gold earrings.

 

 

I wanted those goddamn tiny gold earrings.

that’s all.

not her set; my own.

my own

six tiny gold earrings

rounded into golden spheres

arranged into three rows

sorted into three pairs

refined into sixteen carats.

packed into one white box

matching my white toothed-smile when I opened it.

 

I wanted even just one pair.

one pair that said

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

One pair that said

you aren’t the first,

but you are loved

and valued

and we don’t want you to forget.

 

I wanted to be given

six tiny gold earrings.

 

but I am my own.

 

I bought my own goddamn earrings and hid them in one of the boxes

among everything that went away with me.

and I wore them

on my first day away from home

in a strange bed

in a strange room

in a strange place

but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love

even if it’s only for yourself.

 

and the funny thing is

my step was that much lighter

my pace was that much tighter

my uniform was that much brighter

whenever I wore those tiny gold earrings.

 

no one else had any like mine

and i was proud that I loved myself

and that i could love myself

as if there were nothing else i needed.

 

but then things changed

and my earrings weren’t real, after all.

they weren’t gold

they were only paint

and they chipped away just like me

and they came back just like me

and they weren’t love, not anymore.

 

but I will be gone again soon

and I will be older

and I will be stronger

and I will not need those

six tiny gold earrings.

 

In fact

it was easy to ignore

when a new white box was handed out

and new white teeth smiled when it opened.

it was easy to pretend those six tiny gold earrings didn’t mean

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

I wanted to snatch them and hurl them across the room.

 

six tiny gold earrings

shining like the praise

I wanted so badly

 

but the funny thing is,

I don’t care anymore,

not really.

I can love myself

and they can love me too

as long as I am far enough away for them to remember.

sometimes i encounter the most unexpectedly beautiful people.

A group of us poolees (Marine Corps cleared/sworn-in enlistment candidates waiting on our ship date) visited the Marine Corps Museum today. It was a long long LONG trip, but it was kind of like going away with your spouse for a weekend. You get time away from your daily life to focus on your commitment and to remember why you fell in love in the first place.

It was also a really great opportunity to bond with my fellow poolees, most of whom I only see once a month. We’re all essentially on the same plan these days. Sure, we may all have separate lives and jobs and dreams, but we share the goal of wanting to earn the title of United States Marine. Ooh Fucking Rah.

Now, you may wonder, as a gal pal of mine did recently, how amazing is it to hang out with guys who have been cleared by the government (read: no drug use, no mental or physical illness, a desire to be big and bad) and have a desire to bring l their bodies into prime physical condition, if it’s not already there.

Well…I won’t get on my feminist soapbox. Another post, perhaps. Suffice it to say that believing I can not control myself in hitting on or objectifying my peers is disappointing. Just like we ladies scoff at the sleazy cad leering out his car window at us as we pass, it is equally important that we remember acting like we can’t think of guys without planning out our next boyfriend is just as abhorrent.

So. The trip. It was really great, and one of the nice things for me was the camaraderie. Like I mentioned in my last post, I be gettin’ lonesome, and I don’t see many people I can identify with on a day-to-day basis. I work with fifth graders, my friends are in college, and my little sister is still in high school. Most of my peers, if they’re still around here, have no intentions of ever leaving. It’s one of those tiny, black hole towns that sucks the energy out of everyone and makes it nearly impossible to pull free. So being around people like me, who are also from small towns, who are also joining the Marine Corps, and who are also awesome, are good people in my book.

Today was awesome, but what really made it great was the conversation we had on the way home. We talked about anything and everything: military policy, ethics, religion, sports, music, the fucking Illuminati. And what surprised me were the viewpoints. I thought a lot of them would be more close minded about certain topics, like gay people. Not rights, just the people. There were only two of us girls, and one of us was asleep. The rest of my conversational partners were straight, macho-type, conservative Christian guys, and, darn my stereotyping, I thought they’d have problems with it. But they didn’t. I have emotional ties to the topic, and it warmed my heart that much more for them to say, “I don’t care how people are. For someone to exclude somebody because they’re gay or whatever is juvenile.” Not the most eloquent support of gay rights, but a real one.

At any rate, I guess this is just my way to express how happy and thankful I am for the people who pass through my life, no matter if they are here for a moment or a lifetime.

[END OF SENTIMENTAL MUSING]