six tiny gold earrings

six tiny gold earrings

rounded into six glowing spheres

arranged into three rows

sorted into three pairs

refined into sixteen carats

packed into one white box

matching her white teeth that smiled when she opened it.

 

they said

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

six tiny gold earrings

blinking in the light

like she did on her first day away from home

in a strange bed

in a strange room

in a strange place

but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love

 

six tiny gold earrings

six miniature representations

of the world she left behind

full of people who loved her

so she remembered their love

every time she wore them.

 

her step was that much lighter

her pace was that much tighter

her uniform was that much brighter

whenever she wore those tiny gold earrings.

 

even when she fucked in those

tiny gold earrings

she commanded attention

because they knew she came from a father

who loved his baby enough to send along

six tiny gold earrings.

even when she drank in those

tiny gold earrings

she received pardon

because they knew she came from a family

who cared about her dignity enough to send along

six tiny gold earrings.

 

 

I wanted those goddamn tiny gold earrings.

that’s all.

not her set; my own.

my own

six tiny gold earrings

rounded into golden spheres

arranged into three rows

sorted into three pairs

refined into sixteen carats.

packed into one white box

matching my white toothed-smile when I opened it.

 

I wanted even just one pair.

one pair that said

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

One pair that said

you aren’t the first,

but you are loved

and valued

and we don’t want you to forget.

 

I wanted to be given

six tiny gold earrings.

 

but I am my own.

 

I bought my own goddamn earrings and hid them in one of the boxes

among everything that went away with me.

and I wore them

on my first day away from home

in a strange bed

in a strange room

in a strange place

but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love

even if it’s only for yourself.

 

and the funny thing is

my step was that much lighter

my pace was that much tighter

my uniform was that much brighter

whenever I wore those tiny gold earrings.

 

no one else had any like mine

and i was proud that I loved myself

and that i could love myself

as if there were nothing else i needed.

 

but then things changed

and my earrings weren’t real, after all.

they weren’t gold

they were only paint

and they chipped away just like me

and they came back just like me

and they weren’t love, not anymore.

 

but I will be gone again soon

and I will be older

and I will be stronger

and I will not need those

six tiny gold earrings.

 

In fact

it was easy to ignore

when a new white box was handed out

and new white teeth smiled when it opened.

it was easy to pretend those six tiny gold earrings didn’t mean

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

I wanted to snatch them and hurl them across the room.

 

six tiny gold earrings

shining like the praise

I wanted so badly

 

but the funny thing is,

I don’t care anymore,

not really.

I can love myself

and they can love me too

as long as I am far enough away for them to remember.

closure.

You were perfect.

You said what I needed to hear.

You told me I was wonderful

and beautiful

and strong

and smart.

I was a fresh face in a new scene

Worried that everyone already knew who I was

And equally worried that no one knew.

We sifted through it all together

Sorted out the whole place

We ruled our corner of that universe together and

We were perfect.

And then I left you behind

In our old corner of the universe.

I smiled at my new space

So happy to have a room all to myself

At first, but

Elapsed time and unresolved questions piled up above my head

The more there were

The emptier it became.

Weeks passed

Months burned away in silence and questions

Each of us in our own separate, newly-made corners

And sometimes I would wonder

What the universe looked like for you all the way over there

Because for me sometimes it was cold

And empty.

I couldn’t take the guessing

The wondering

So I grew a pair (even though you know I hate that phrase)

And I brought my piece of the universe right next to yours again

For this little space of time.

Now, as I hang up the phone

I don’t feel lonely

or guilty

or selfish

or worried that I forgot to say one of those thousands of things

lurking right below the surface for all of these months

You told me I was wonderful

and brave

and strong

and smart all by myself.

You said what I needed to hear.

You were perfect.

__________

As usual, gimme yer feedback. Please and thank you. Even if it’s two words. But it better not be.

xoxo,

Unglib

i’ll never know (i’m sorry)

i remember that snow ball fight that first night when neither of us had anything to lose

you came to my table and i couldn’t stop laughing

i didn’t know you but i knew i wanted to 

i followed you out into the cold and we were perfect for that moment

you put your arms around me and i wondered what it would be like to stay that way

all winter i waited

sitting in the library forcing myself not to wonder about you

you surprised me by reaching out

i surprised myself and reached back

i didn’t understand that you wanted me for me

you didn’t care that i didn’t believe in myself

in fact you couldn’t see my rough edges

just my smile, my wild hair, my shy advances

you tried to know what i wanted even though i didn’t know myself

trying to put together the puzzle pieces i was still shaping

 

i wanted your arms

i wanted your smile

i wanted your love

but i didn’t give mine

guarding my heart, scared to make the leap

 

that night, twin breaths

you thought you had broken through

i thought i had ruined it all

 

and yes, it’s my fault

when i walked away from your arms

that day in the city

all the promises you wanted to keep

it was like a dream but i wouldn’t let myself fall asleep

 

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

what we had won’t ever be here again

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

 

I wish these words made up for everything i never said

the clues i never gave

to help you win the game you didn’t know you were playing

to help you kill the dragons you didn’t know you were slaying

 

and now i can’t think of you without feeling guilty

and lonely

and the first moment when you sat at our table and made me smile

and the night we slept on that couch

and the day we had coffee

and the time you found out I was ticklish

and how my friends wondered how we had what we had

and the days i spent wanting more of you

 

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

i’m sorry

 

and i can’t tell you how proud i am of you

and how i have no right to be

and how i cheer for you in my mind

every week

and how you are the smartest strongest most beautiful man i ever knew

and how i can’t think of your arms without wishing i was in them

my head on your chest

 

it’s all gone now

we could have been beautiful

and i know you tried

and i wish you knew

i’m sorry

____________________________

I guess I should’ve given warning, but I hate putting any kind of foreword (AKA disclaimer) on my work. Read it, think about it and then hear my blab on.

But anyways, I listened to Taylor Swift’s new album more than I care to admit, and the girl’s gotten me through the rougher bits of my relatively recent breakup. So, I guess it makes sense that her emotional song-write-y style wormed its way into my mind. Expect more of the same.

As always, comments/likes/nods of approval are ALWAYSALWAYSALWAYS welcome. Still waiting on that first comment…it would be a great thing for a new blogger to get some feedback…nudge, nudge, wink, wink…

 

Love and corny country music,

Unglib

mama’s been busy.

Following are some of my musings, short stories, and poems that have worked more as cathartic measures than anything else. And I says to myself, Unglib, I says, you oughta publish them on this semi-anonymous blog o’ yers. And I think, what a swell plan! So, here we go. They’re all going to be posted separately so as to keep it all spaced out and add to the number of posts of this thing (hey, makes me feel productive). Stay tuned.