six tiny gold earrings

six tiny gold earrings

rounded into six glowing spheres

arranged into three rows

sorted into three pairs

refined into sixteen carats

packed into one white box

matching her white teeth that smiled when she opened it.

 

they said

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

six tiny gold earrings

blinking in the light

like she did on her first day away from home

in a strange bed

in a strange room

in a strange place

but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love

 

six tiny gold earrings

six miniature representations

of the world she left behind

full of people who loved her

so she remembered their love

every time she wore them.

 

her step was that much lighter

her pace was that much tighter

her uniform was that much brighter

whenever she wore those tiny gold earrings.

 

even when she fucked in those

tiny gold earrings

she commanded attention

because they knew she came from a father

who loved his baby enough to send along

six tiny gold earrings.

even when she drank in those

tiny gold earrings

she received pardon

because they knew she came from a family

who cared about her dignity enough to send along

six tiny gold earrings.

 

 

I wanted those goddamn tiny gold earrings.

that’s all.

not her set; my own.

my own

six tiny gold earrings

rounded into golden spheres

arranged into three rows

sorted into three pairs

refined into sixteen carats.

packed into one white box

matching my white toothed-smile when I opened it.

 

I wanted even just one pair.

one pair that said

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

One pair that said

you aren’t the first,

but you are loved

and valued

and we don’t want you to forget.

 

I wanted to be given

six tiny gold earrings.

 

but I am my own.

 

I bought my own goddamn earrings and hid them in one of the boxes

among everything that went away with me.

and I wore them

on my first day away from home

in a strange bed

in a strange room

in a strange place

but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love

even if it’s only for yourself.

 

and the funny thing is

my step was that much lighter

my pace was that much tighter

my uniform was that much brighter

whenever I wore those tiny gold earrings.

 

no one else had any like mine

and i was proud that I loved myself

and that i could love myself

as if there were nothing else i needed.

 

but then things changed

and my earrings weren’t real, after all.

they weren’t gold

they were only paint

and they chipped away just like me

and they came back just like me

and they weren’t love, not anymore.

 

but I will be gone again soon

and I will be older

and I will be stronger

and I will not need those

six tiny gold earrings.

 

In fact

it was easy to ignore

when a new white box was handed out

and new white teeth smiled when it opened.

it was easy to pretend those six tiny gold earrings didn’t mean

thank you

and we will miss you

and you will do great things.

 

I wanted to snatch them and hurl them across the room.

 

six tiny gold earrings

shining like the praise

I wanted so badly

 

but the funny thing is,

I don’t care anymore,

not really.

I can love myself

and they can love me too

as long as I am far enough away for them to remember.

new things, old things

“We all have our nights, though, don’t be so ashamed. I’ve had mine, you’ve had yours, we both know.”

I am working on a life dialysis program, if you will. Out with all that is old, infected, and no longer useful; in with the fresh, healthy, and positive. Like blogging, for instance. I think this is definitely a good thing. So, here’s my morning mash-up of the good and the bad. Including the ugly would just be perpetuating a cliché.

GOOD: blogging, cooking, eating fruits and veggies for carbs (NOT chips and filler breads!), exercising, talking to friends, learning to knit

BAD: being sedentary, being negative, procrastinating, not communicating, emotional eating

On that last one, I definitely think I have a tendency to emotionally eat quite a bit. Because I’m essentially waiting around all the time, I’ll eat when I’m bored, I’ll eat to reward myself, I’ll eat when I’m sad or angry. I enjoy eating usually (which is part of it), but when I eat for negative emotion, I don’t even feel good about myself. I was reading an article in Real Simple (what can I say, my favorite magazine has perfect timing!), and what they said made sense. When you eat for negative emotions, you feel guilty, so you end up eating even more than you normally would, eating double of something or an entire package or bag so that you no longer gain any pleasure from the food. As disturbing as that is, that’s basically what I’ll do. I’ll eat, but I’ll feel guilty and not trust myself not to eat anymore, so I’ll eat more so I won’t be tempted later. It sounds illogical even as I type it, but it’s true. I’ve gotten better about distracting myself with water– they say this is good because often you’re not hungry; you’re simply dehydrated. That’s a plus, but I’ve still got a long ways to go. I think I definitely need to build up a network of friends and family that I can contact instead of eating. That would be really helpful to distract and motivate me!

In other news, my knitting skills are coming along swimmingly! I have learned how to cast on and completed my first row of knit stitch. I never thought I would even get this far! And I haven’t lost steam; one precaution I am taking is only doing so much each day. First, it’s a lot of sitting, and as much as I revel in the fact that it’s not screen time or eating time (you can’t eat with your hands full!), it’s still a sedentary activity. In addition, I don’t want to burn myself out, or get to the point where I don’t look forward to it. I have to say, last night I definitely got into my zone; I had my Lana Del Rey going, and I could just think and knit and think and knit and it was WONDERFUL! I think I’m starting to get why people like it so much. And I’m just getting started!

Until Later,

Un-Glib