six tiny gold earrings
rounded into six glowing spheres
arranged into three rows
sorted into three pairs
refined into sixteen carats
packed into one white box
matching her white teeth that smiled when she opened it.
they said
thank you
and we will miss you
and you will do great things.
six tiny gold earrings
blinking in the light
like she did on her first day away from home
in a strange bed
in a strange room
in a strange place
but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love
six tiny gold earrings
six miniature representations
of the world she left behind
full of people who loved her
so she remembered their love
every time she wore them.
her step was that much lighter
her pace was that much tighter
her uniform was that much brighter
whenever she wore those tiny gold earrings.
even when she fucked in those
tiny gold earrings
she commanded attention
because they knew she came from a father
who loved his baby enough to send along
six tiny gold earrings.
even when she drank in those
tiny gold earrings
she received pardon
because they knew she came from a family
who cared about her dignity enough to send along
six tiny gold earrings.
I wanted those goddamn tiny gold earrings.
that’s all.
not her set; my own.
my own
six tiny gold earrings
rounded into golden spheres
arranged into three rows
sorted into three pairs
refined into sixteen carats.
packed into one white box
matching my white toothed-smile when I opened it.
I wanted even just one pair.
one pair that said
thank you
and we will miss you
and you will do great things.
One pair that said
you aren’t the first,
but you are loved
and valued
and we don’t want you to forget.
I wanted to be given
six tiny gold earrings.
but I am my own.
I bought my own goddamn earrings and hid them in one of the boxes
among everything that went away with me.
and I wore them
on my first day away from home
in a strange bed
in a strange room
in a strange place
but comforted by the fact that money really can buy love
even if it’s only for yourself.
and the funny thing is
my step was that much lighter
my pace was that much tighter
my uniform was that much brighter
whenever I wore those tiny gold earrings.
no one else had any like mine
and i was proud that I loved myself
and that i could love myself
as if there were nothing else i needed.
but then things changed
and my earrings weren’t real, after all.
they weren’t gold
they were only paint
and they chipped away just like me
and they came back just like me
and they weren’t love, not anymore.
but I will be gone again soon
and I will be older
and I will be stronger
and I will not need those
six tiny gold earrings.
In fact
it was easy to ignore
when a new white box was handed out
and new white teeth smiled when it opened.
it was easy to pretend those six tiny gold earrings didn’t mean
thank you
and we will miss you
and you will do great things.
I wanted to snatch them and hurl them across the room.
six tiny gold earrings
shining like the praise
I wanted so badly
but the funny thing is,
I don’t care anymore,
not really.
I can love myself
and they can love me too
as long as I am far enough away for them to remember.
nineteen 